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http://hillarysimpersonator2012.com/2012/04/27/fake-hillary-clinton-begs-for-voter-support/ You can click on the link to take you to my other blog…or be lazy!!! Stay right where you are and read on….
At some point today, between cleaning my toilet and standing at the kitchen island eating some stale corn chips, I remembered something incredible. I remembered that several months ago I started a blog called HillarysImpersonator2012.com. And I know you’re probably thinking, “How could you forget something as ingenious as that!? What kind of idiot are you anyway?” Suffice it to say, and I suffice it probably more than most, that I AM a genius-idiot of sorts. Or an idiot-genius? I dunno. I’ll leave it to you. Point is, I really need to get back on track with this whole thing and you all need to get in front of me!! (I would have said ‘behind me’ but that leads to trouble on all sorts of levels and I’d prefer to have some human shields anyway once I start campaigning fully. Especially with Ann and Michelle on the trail.) Look, you and I both know that Robot Romney doesn’t have a chance in Mormon Hell of winning this thing, (apparently, there are a few levels, but I’m no expert) and the cyborg currently in office isn’t exactly the Rock-em Sock-em robot we want or need. Hillary’s our only hope. And of course the real Mrs. Clinton is counting the seconds before her plane lands on American soil and she can head off to get a good blow dry in NYC. Which really only leaves you with one choice. Me. Hillary’s official impersonator. That is unless you would prefer to sit through what will inevitably be an incredible hate-fest between two parties who are owned by the same corporations? Yawn. People, we need to join hands and raise them and raise our voices…and our glasses all at the same time. We need to be on the same page. My blog page. We need to be getting me on the ballot and into a new Armani pantsuit that’s appropriate for Leno, Kimmel, Letterman, Ellen et al. (i.e., Colbert and Stewart) Now before…back when I got this idea of running for president…I had every intention of staying true to the real Hillary’s platforms. After all, I don’t get paid to come up with policies. I do voices and dress up in wigs and do hand gestures on occasion, per my contract. But at this point, to heck with the old Clinton platforms. I mean what do I have to lose? My bread and butter is leaving political life. When the real Hillary walks out that door, I got nothing. I got a ‘Diane Sawyer’ impersonation, a ‘Bart Simpson’ that’s going nowhere as long as Nancy Cartwright’s voice holds up, and a ‘James Carville’ that nobody wants in a woman. And so I ask you to grab a pencil and get ready to take notes. For in a moment, after I type this sentence, and formulate my thoughts for the first time, I shall offer the NEW policies that I will be espousing while looking and sounding like Hillary Clinton. I think you will agree it is the best of both worlds. THE ISSUES DAYLIGHT SAVINGS : We’re done with this. Thing of the past. Over. JURY DUTY: Only senior citizens will be allowed on a jury. (Hello! They’ve been around and have the most experience, plus they’ve got nothing to do!). And no juror shall be called twice, unless they want to be. So obvious. SCHOOL HOURS: No kid goes to school before 8:30am (mine especially). HEALTH BENEFITS: WAL-MART, McDonalds, and all huge-ass retailers (not sure of correct word) who employ hundreds of millions of people…your part-time employees get benefits. DUH! Or you pay higher taxes. TEACHERS: Must score 100% on any and all standardized tests they administer each year. They shall pay no income tax or get free wall-to-wall carpeting or get massive raises. Something! DEPT. of PEACE: We have one for war which does an excellent job of creating jobs and war so why not have one for peace. More jobs, more peace! DAY OF REST: (This is where I get the environmental and religious votes.) Let’s take a break people! Sunday shall become, once again, the national chillax day. Nobody needs to buy anymore crap that we can’t get on the other six days. GAY MARRIAGE: Sure, we’ll make it illegal but out of fairness, everyone who has ever been divorced has to remarry their first spouse. HILLARY’S IMPERSONATOR 2012!
Two years ago I wrote a piece on ballet flats and my intense dislike of them when used as anything, say, other than a device to be jammed under a door with loose hinges. The story was published (well all right, I put it on the last page of this site) and I forgot all about it. That is, until three disturbing days ago when some ‘ballet flat-ophile,’ I’ve never met had the gall to first read the piece, and then….write to me asking for a retraction! Me! Retract! Good Lord, I’d first have to re-read the thing and apparently when I wrote it I was on some sort of high-heeled high. It has to be way over 250 words! Secondly, any man who writes to insult me and can’t muster the energy to capitalize his opening sentence, or even include a salutation for heaven’s sake, clearly is not one whose aesthetic sense I am much concerned with. Here…see for yourself.
See! Needless to say (and I have said this to him via email) Mr. Z will have plenty of time to brush off his HushPuppies (the brand of shoe I can only imagine he would wear) before I retract the Truth on THAT subject if it were even possible. ‘Toe cleavage a blessing’…pishaw. What madness I must endure on a Tuesday in February. I ask you Mr. Z, can one retract the word ‘stupid’ from ‘stupidity’? Of course not. Unless you want to be left with ‘ity’ and there is NOTHING you can do with ‘ity’. But the part that really burns me up is why me? Why now? For six hundred days no one, and I mean no one has viewed that page. Does this mean that I am going to have to go in and remove ever possible meta tag on my site to prevent peeping Toms from peering over the HTML curtain into my personal albeit public webpage? What next, are people actually going to listen to my sound samples?! I haven’t redone my demos in years!! I can’t possibly be held responsible for what’s on those things. (found on voiceover page and singing page) And what about the millions who have really boring blogs about their families? Have we come to the point in our society where there are no boundaries? I ask you Mr. Z, are you going ask Betty Morgan for a retraction for claiming to make the world’s greatest bundt cake? Where does it end?? I don’t go into your front yard and start putting up notices to “Retract that wall you just built” or “Take down your Christmas decorations, it’s February already.” When men with strong convictions about ballet flats and corvettes (which incidentally everyone knows the ’67 was far superior to the ’76) are freely roaming the web, sneaking around on the nearly hidden pages of people’s personal blogs, demanding retractions, we are on a slippery slope. And I don’t know about you, but the last thing I’d want underneath me is a pair of lousy, good for nothing, ‘ity’ bitty ballet slippers. Don your rubbers men! ( a regional term no doubt), and let’s give this whole business the boot.
Hope you enjoy!
Well, thank you for asking! I have been involved in so very many exciting and absolutely thrilling activities, I just don’t even know where to begin. So I’ll start by telling you some things I have NOT been involved with, just to set the record straight for anyone who has a bent record or no record at all. Now that that is out of the way, please allow me to deluge you with links of my recent work and other bits of shameless self-promotion. Toot toot honk honk. Some ‘medically’ narration that I recorded for iDOC can be seen and heard here Author Anna Dewdney’s adorable children’s book Llama Llama Red Pajama was turned into an app available at itunes.com. I got to read the story, and work with Anna herself on getting the right interpretation. (Apparently they are still working on some bugs with the app. So, make sure your phone or whatever has the necessary operating system, i.e., read all the info first! And if you can read, thank a teacher.) I narrated a couple of instructional videos for HP’s Magic Canvas. I haven’t seen them yet, but hopefully my clearly e-n-n-u-c-i-a-t-e-d tutorial will help you and yours! Ashley Furniture….always have a few of those airing around the continent! Yes, they are everywhere and God love ‘em for it!! As always, you can get great visual voicemail AND hear me when you call in for your messages at youmail.com Some 500 BJ’s Superstores are playing my 9Lives Cat Food ads. Cats are going crazy for the stuff and I dare say it has to do with my sexy read!! After having done several surgical training videos for DePuy, I am about 90% sure that if I was stuck on a desert island with you and had to give you a shoulder or hip replacement, I could do it. Oh and my first on-air commercial is running in CHINA!! for the company EF (English First) That about wraps up my latest vo work. I’m getting ready to launch my perfume line which is based on the Rosemary plant. We are going to market it first to Italian and Persian chefs. I have nothing but high hopes for it. Buon Appetito! Come hang out with me on Twitter now, too…
Click the link below to leave this site and check out my ‘other’ site, featuring that ‘other’ woman.The LINK. (Disclaimer: I am warning you now…once, you click this link, you will leave this site and be re-directed to another site called www.hillarysimpersonator2012.com. You may not be able to figure out how to get back here. I don’t know. How adept are you at working a computer and figuring out the internet? These are things you need to answer for yourself. I’m just warning you. Good luck and God Speed. (I never really knew what that meant but always liked the way it sounded. It seems to work in this case. Or at least I hope and pray it does.)) P.S. Maybe you should check out this site first and THEN get going to the ‘other’ site? Again, this is not a directive but a suggestion. Personally, if I were you, I’d get a cup of coffee, or maybe a Tablespoon of cod liver oil since you are looking a little wishy washy, pull up a real comfy chair and start ‘enjoying’. Admittedly, THAT, is somewhat of a command…ENJOY!!
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Copyright © 2012 Rosemary Watson - All Rights Reserved |
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